When you get what you want but not what you need
by missivthegreat
Summary: Dan Humphrey wrote sonnets and poems about her; Dan Humphrey could give her what she was lacking. Redeem her as a whole, pick up all the pieces, find the missing parts and create something new from her life, her personality and her failed relationships.


**A/N : Sorry for this essay-ish foreword in advance.**

**This is a multiple-chapter fic, or a two parter. Either way, I'm pretty sure you won't get why, especially when you read the whole fanfic, but it is. I will continue and I could really use your reviews so please tell me would you like me to continue anyway; I know it's extremely wretch and cheesy, but I felt too bitter to write my usual sappy & sweet fanfics;**

**Thanks everyone for asking about "The Jewel of Danial", I'm working on that one and you'll get two chapters very soon I promise.**

**There's a book that kind of reminds me of the direction where this is headed, but nothing is sealed yet, we'll see. If it turns out to be the case I'll let you know in the last chapter. (because when you know the content it where's all the fun, huh?)**

**I can give you a hint though, and tell you it's not a great piece of art or anything. (GG Writers are trying so bad with those, and see what we get? lol)**

**So it's just a usual novel.**

**Also, please let me know about my writing, If you read some of the previous fics let me know if there's any improvement/decline.**

Thanks!

He wrote poems and sonnets about her, did what she thought people do for their loved ones only in old school classic movies she adored and greatly appreciated.

She even secretly admired to them, but thought she doesn't deserve to get anything because she and Chuck were never really into _that. _Chuck wasn't into that. The _happiness _of being with Chuck was more consisted of that constant _vagueness, _mixed with excitement and adrenaline rushing through their veins.

It was epic, it was quick and glib, it was _different _from what she had with Nate. It actually had what hers and Nate's relationship was lacking, but nothing else. She realized that she needed more, that she deserves better than Chuck and what he had to offer. She didn't know where to go, so she had only one _logical _option.

Dan Humphrey.

Dan Humphrey wrote sonnets and poems about her; Dan Humphrey _could _give her what **she was lacking. **Redeem her as a whole, pick up all the pieces, find the missing parts and create something new from her life, her personality and her failed relationships. Her deep down, very low self esteem and childhood issues, her jealoussy problem and Serena always taking **everything **from her.

Only, she never knew that he could be the one.

Sometimes, it's just too late.

xxx

She reaches to open the door and for some unknown reason she suddenly feels goose bumps rising on her arms.

She pushes the door like she always does, and it's locked. She jiggles the doorknob, then scorns, taking a whiff of air ready to start bantering;

"Humphrey, no, I'm not trying to loot the loft, you're safe." she yells, "Well, except the **hair **part. I'm not here with scissors but that needs to go."

She shakes her head realising she's talking to herself and then knocks on the door one more time.

_How peculiar, _her initial thought.

After a few second that certainly seemed like eternity a very masculine - she could tell - figure is about to let her in.

"Why the hell would you do that?" she purses her lips in a huff.

He gives her a quick glance with a slight frown. "Wha...what?"

She comes in and sits on the sofa automatically making herself comfortable. "Tea would do the trick, thank you Humphrey." she snaps her fingers and he's on his way to the kitchen.

"You do know I'm not a caterwaiter anymore, right?"

She chuckles and he hands her the cup. _Her cup._

"So...um, how's life, then?" he asks distantly. "Did you..and.." he gulps as if he forgot the name. His bottom lip quivers, and only with a mention of him his hands who were just a couple seconds ago firmly holding the cup start trembling. "Chuck...Did you and Chuck work out your problems?" he finally says trying for it to sound sincere and _interested _even though he gets distracted by her angelic eyes _again;_ they are wandering somewhere around the loft until she finally opens her mouth to speak.

"No. I mean we did, but that lasted shoter than Jersey Shore's quickie. And _iknow, _don't ask."

He fervently laughs at this and continues :

"So...does that mean that you're...?"

"Happy now?No...not yet." she tries to sound cool but deep inside she's crushed. She hasn't talked to Serena for so long, Chuck and her were nothing like she imagined, she lost the baby after the accident, she left Louis...

She lost her everything.

Dan told her he'd be there, but something in his eyes makes her think this time it won't be the case.

"So...I guess we _could _be roommates again? If you're.." she clears her throat "okay with it."

Unfortunately, she wasn't wrong.

"Look Blair, I'd love to bu..."

"Great." she cuts him off and he has no choice.

"There's something I need to tell you though..." he says and she doesn't listen. "My clothes is at Chuck's." she rolls her eyes and he gets the message.

"Don't worry we'll find something for you here."

"Everything but flannel. I have very soft skin Humphrey, I can't just wear _anything._"

She wasn't a princess anymore. Her figure was still perfect, her waist was still tiny and her feet were small and delicate. She had the most _peffect _lips in the history of ever, and adorable chocolate eyes.

She could've been his. _His princess._

He pouts.

"Trust me, I know."

"Good."

_But she's not, Dan. She's not yours._

He keeps repeating it to himself until he starts to produce sound people are making when they have something stuck in their throat, _cracking _sound, and just a thought of it makes him sick.

xxx

She's resting her head on his shoulder, and even though he's wide awake he's still desperately trying to fall asleep. He thinks she's sleeping, she thinks he's sleeping, and they're both awake, pretending like two teenagers trying to fool their parents.

His phone rings and he quietly leaves her to _sleep_ on the sofa. It's Rufus.

"Yes, Dad, she is. No, Dad. Yeah, Dad, I know." he sighs, taking a breath leaving him in a sharp burst. After a real dramatic pause he starts speaking and she gets it now.

He's now observing her,

"I will always love her, Dad." he whispers to make sure she doesn't hear.

_She does, of course._

_Now what she never doesn't really know is why would even a small piece of her **ever **think it was **her, not Serena?**_

She doesn't know why is that so important to her, but from that very moment, she's only aware of one thing :

_She needs to find out_.

xxx

"Humphrey, we rewatched every and each movie. Even those pathetic ones on the last shell that were, honestly, terrible. If nothing nice to catch up on my sleep."

"And good excuse to eat some popcorn?" his lips curve in a small smile. She smiles back.

"Don't act like you even know how to make popcorn."

"Well after two bottles of wine I'm not exactly the world's greatest cook Waldorf." he grins pretending to be offended and throws a pillow at her.

"I'm sorry what did you just do Humphrey?"

They somehow end up being all messy and dirty and they don't care. They're sitting on the sofa an inch away from each other. So close she could almost feal his heartbeat, his breathing, now laughing like two teenagers who just don't care about problems and life. It feels good, and she's happy.

"Listen, Dan...I need to ask you something." she stops and says casually after her cheeks start blushing slowly, she looks down for a second.

"What is it, Blair?"

She turns serious.

"Until last night, you seemed distant. You had secret phone conversations, _don't_ try to deny. "

"Blair..." he tries to explain himself while she rambles on.

"No. Wait. I know you're not over Serena. I heard you talking to your dad that night...And I thought..maybe...I could help." she sighs. "Oh _God." _she lets out a small laugh, and nothing's funny, "How did I even end up doing this?"

"Blair..."

"No, I mean, really Humphrey. I'm sure deep down Serena's not ov.."

"Blair." he repeats, his volume peaked. "Look at me." he orders.

She's now looking at him, and it feels different. She's not drunk, she's sober, but wine definitely helped her to pick up some extra courage and ask him that question.

"I..." he starts, and she automatically goes numb.

"I wasn't talking about Serena." her heart skips a beat; "I was talking about _you._"

Suddenly, she runs out of words, but next thing she knows, she wants to kiss him. It's the _wine _that gave her the poise and she soon went for it.

He didn't need much time to kiss back, it was strong, it was passionate, his both hands were now cupping her cheeks, porcelain skin, and when her lips pressed onto his they felt like one, she felt _everything_. He felt the smell of _oh so_ well known Chanel 5 on her neck, and she looked so sexy in that flannel she was wearing, half-wet from their splashing, and pillow-fight they had before.

That's what she needed, this whole time. That excitement and adrenaline and quickened pulse, and emotions. Now she had _just what she needed. With him she had what she needed._

From that moment it all seems like flashing memories popping in her head. She felt the same when they first kissed and she said it made her want to be with Chuck. She didn't feel just _nothing, _she felt everything. She knows it even now. It's everything.

So right, then again so wrong.

When Serena entered the loft she realized _how wrong._

xxx

Serena rolls her eyes making a sorrow expression on her face. Deep down she's hurt, and she can't believe what was going on in front of her eyes just a minute ago.

They both break apart, acting like they commited crime. Dan can feel his hands trembling, and at that very moment he glances at Blair, knowing they both feel guilty. Or _look guilty._

"Was it, a staged kiss again? Do we have hidden cameras somewhere?" she asks, her tone getting more miserable each second.

"No." Blair's the first one to speak and it leaves everyone surprised. Even her.

"Serena, I...am so sorry."

"Can you be honest with me for once? What's going on between you two? And don't say it's nothing I saw you."

"Serena...it..."

_actually meant something, _she wants to say.

He's waiting for her to say what she has first, but then sees the expression on her face and spinelessly let it take over the situation. Judging by the look on het face on the spot he decides it's enough.

"Meant nothing." Dan stands up and says loudly. "It was just a moment...and...I...it's my fault. I drank too much wine."

Blair frowns now, her whole body's screaming _It felt __**everything, **_and somehow she's sure they both know it.

"Look, Blair loves Chuck. She came here because they got in a fight and she needed to get away. She...she loves him, and I'm like..." he swallows hard "Like her brother. Her family." his palms are sweating, his breathing's hard, but this time he knows this is the right thing to do. "I...I'll call you tomorrow." Serena says giving the one last glance to Blair, the look full of hate.

Because she saw the kiss. Because she didn't realize how great she and Dan were at the time. Because she could swore she saw a glimmer of greatness in that kiss.

Not same kind of greatness, though. This was that, completely new level of chemistry milked with lust. And she needed 30 seconds until everything was clear.

She leaves the door with a slam, and Dan and Blair are both speachless. She swears she could start crying every moment, desperately trying to stop the flood of tears that were still somehow hidden in the corner of her eyes.

Surprisingly, not because of Serena, her speach cut no ice with her, but because of what Dan had said.

"Blair...I..."

"You what? Just a moment before you told me you..._loved me._" she feels hurt, deeply hurt now.

"Why would you care about any of that?"

No. She can't reply. She won't.

"Come on, Blair, look at me in the eyes and tell me why?"

"You tell me."

"Tell you what? That you told me our first kiss made you realise you belong with Chuck? That you told Serena kissing me was like kissing your brother, and all I was supposed to do was nod my head confirming every word when it didn't." he gulps "It meant _everything _to me Blair, can't you see that? It meant everything, and for over a year I'm trying to hide it, writing pathetic novels you don't even care about...thinking...maybe, one day it'll just go away. I'm trying. And then you feel free to waltz into my life again, think it's okay to toy with my heart, and my emotions... Do you know how hard it was to see you having to choose between Louis and Chuck? Just how much stength I needed to watch you walking down the isle with another man, or running away with someone else. Can't you see I'm trying to avoid you just to prevent this from happening. You ending up weak kissing me once again, 'cause I knew I won't be able to take it. Because I love you." he now exhales his mouth still opened.

She's swept off her fee, staggered by what she heard.

He continues,

"You can't do this to me anymore Blair. You can't play with my life like that whenever you want. I'm not trying to blame it on you...but ...could you just, please go?" he asks in all seriousness, struggling with so many emotions.

"...To leave?" is playing in her head over and over again. The more she hears it, the more she wants to say _i love _you and she can. She will.

_"I..."_

"No more games Blair, I'm done here." Dan says "Please, leave, for your own sake. Go to...Chuck's or somewhere else but..leave me alone." she can feel begging in his voice, and that's exactly what stops her from saying those, not so magical, and no longer _special _meaning to those words.

xxx

After some time Blair's working at "W", Dan's still a writer, people would say, "nothing has changed."

Although it's so wrong, 'cause in their lives everything has changed.

Dan and Serena got together, Blair left to Paris. She had spent the holidays there, and then she returned, _healed. _She decided to focus on her career and become the succesful individual, to live on her own, became the person she always wanted to be.

Dan never really wanted Serena. He felt as he was overwhelmed with that relationship, yet he consoled himself with the fact that he can't have Blair; Besides, Serena was happy and he cared about her dearly.

Dan and Blair usually avoided seeing each other.

When she'd go to MoMa, he'd choose another exibit in another district of New York. Far away from her. He was using Serena to check on her movie tickets, and she'd always laugh calling it a _childish move. _She knew there was something deeper than just avoiding Blair because he hates her.

After all, she knew they don't hate each other. At all. But she didn't want to think about it, she didn't want to let her emotions take over and risk to lose him and destroy the only steady and _decently _well-balanced relationship she ever had.

Especially not to lose a guy who's _one of the good ones._

So she was happy. Or it looked like it.

_Quite _satisfied, that's the word. She was Serena Van Der Woodsen after all, world was never good _enough _for her.

xxx


End file.
